On hiatus...

I haven't posted in a few months because I've been spending a lot of time on the road. Thus far, my travels have taken me to Sioux Falls and back several times, to Minneapolis twice (once to visit an uncle, and the second to take in a Steve Smith and Vital Information concert), and on a circuit encompassing Kalamazoo, Michigan; Great Barrington, Massachusetts; Columbus, Ohio; and numerous points in between.

There are still many, many more miles ahead of me yet this year I'm sure. In the meantime, I'm content to sit and reflect upon the experiences that I've had thus far. I have been chronicling my travels, but have been doing so privately in a journal rather than publicly in this blog. When I sit down and make time to do so, I'll probably publish some of my entries to the blog. And if I have reliable Internet access in my future travels, I'll probably double-dip and write entries into my blog and journal simultaneously.

But more on all that later... . For now, I've got to head out to run a few errands, drop in on a friend, and get ready for the trip to Grand Forks this weekend for my first autocross of the season.

Remembering Grandma

For most people, today is little more than the first full of spring. Today has a different meaning for me, though. Today marks the 10th anniversary of the death of one of my grandmothers, Evelyn Paulike Wakefield-Moreland.

Of all my grandparents, Grandma Evelyn was the only one I knew. I did get to meet one of my maternal great-grandmothers when I was very young, but Grandma Evelyn is the only grandparent of whom I really have any first-hand knowledge or memories.

A big part of the reason why I remember her as well as I do is because she helped raise me. She lived with my parents since the mid-1970s before I was born until about six months before she died. In those final months, she resided under care at the Brookview Manor nursing home. Yes, during my formative years, Grandma Evelyn was always a strong presence.

Amid all the busyness of the day, with taking care of plans for my trip to the Twin Cities tomorrow and the memorial for my friend David Pego, my mind couldn't help but go back to that day in 1996 when Grandma crossed over. I remember it being warm of a March day, and I was a senior in high school. It must have been during my free hour because I wasn't in class at the time. The Brookings High School band had been getting ready for a forthcoming concert, and had had to borrow some percussion equipment from the middle school band. One of those pieces of equipment was a snare drum stand, and I was charged with returning it to the middle school bandroom.

I dropped the stand off at the middle school, and climbed back into my car, a red 1986 Honda Civic Si. The car had otherwise been faithful and reliable, but chose to be otherwise that day. I turned the key in the ignition, but nothing happened. Since I couldn't see anything wrong under the hood, I called my dad and asked him to pick me up. He arrived within about 15 minutes. As soon as he stepped out of the car and began walking toward me, I could tell that something had happened. And I was right. He informed me that Grandma had died. I was sad that she had died, but like the rest of my family, I found relief in the knowledge that she wasn't suffering anymore.

With that said, all I can say is, "Grandma, I love you and remember you."

A lot's happened in a month

Well, folks - sorry for taking so long to make another post. I admit it...I've been lazy, at least when it's come to writing in this blog. There's been a lot that's happened in the past month or so, and my time has been occupied by other endeavors.

Not the least of which has been writing for the "Brookings Register" and wrapping up work on the Ethel Austin Martin biography. I'm happy to say that I took the manuscript and photos for the EAM book to Pine Hill Press this past week, and the book should be published by March 28. It's hard to believe that almost two years of working is going to be coming to fruition.

It's equally hard for me to believe that my time with the "Brookings Register" is coming to an end soon as well. A few weeks ago, I gave notice that I'm leaving the newspaper after Friday, March 10. It was a difficult decision to make, especially considering that I've only been at the newspaper for about six months, but I believe that I'm doing the right thing.

My mom's death a few months ago, coupled with my own brush with death about six years ago, has really made me realize just how short life is. And I also understand now just how valuable experiences and memories can be. Now is the time perfect time in my life to make some memories.

The plan now is for me to take at least year off from regular work and do some traveling around at least North America. There are a few broad objectives I have for taking such a trip. One is that it will give me an opportunity to visit some places (e.g., Alaska, Wikwemikong) I haven't been before. Another is that it will give me a chance to connect with people in my life, both friends and family, who are dear and precious to me. I understand now that, in losing my mom (and the same will be true when Dad is gone) that I've lost one of my most important connections to who I am and where I come from, and I want to take some time to get to know my family better. And on top of everything else, I think that taking time off like this will be fun. Life is too short and the world's too big, and now is the opportune time to do something like this.

People are already asking me what I plan to do once I'm done with my "sabbatical," and all I can answer right now is "I don't know." It's hard for me to say that, but "I don't know" is the best I came come up with right now. But for now, I'm content to just take things one day at a time, and to have faith that I'll be lead in the right direction.

Thoughts on a cold, gray Sunday afternoon

Today's been the proverbial lazy Sunday, or at least it has been by my usual count. Last week was really busy, so it's been nice to have a day or so to just kick back and relax a bit. I've been kicking back and relaxing, but have also been doing some work, too.

All that I've really done so far is pick up a few things around the house, wash my new bed sheets, and visit with my Dad for a bit. He and I had a pretty good lunch a little while ago, and it's always nice to see him. Since then, I've just reinstalled Adobe InDesign on my Power Mac G4 so that I can help my friend Brian with some page layout issues, and I'll be heading to the gym here in a bit. As for the rest of the day...who knows? I'll probably give Brian a hand when he comes over to work on his newsletter, and I may also work on some award applications and on making changes to the Ethel Austin Martin biography. It's hard to believe that the book is almost finished. All that should remain now is to add Dr. Peterson's foreword, make the changes that Sherry Bordewyk recommended for the book, and then turn it over to the printer.

In the meantime, I've been reflecting on a few different things over the past few days. One thought that I've had recently came up when I was proofreading at the "Brookings Register" on Friday night. As I proofed a page, I read an obituary of a woman who died recently. It said in the obit that her husband had died about a year perviously, and it mentioned that she had been at his bedside when he passed.

Reading that passage brought up some memories of when Mom died a little over a month ago. When Mom actually expired, I wasn't at her bedside. I was in the surgical waiting room in the basement of the hospital talking to some friends on the phone and letting them know what was happening. I was at Mom's side immediately before she died and immediately after she died, but not when she actually passed from this world into the next.

When I read that passage in the obit, I was thinking that I perhaps had done my mother a great disservice by not being in the room with her when she left us. As one could imagine, I've been stabbed by pangs of guilt in the past few days, but thinking about what a cousin of mine said made me feel better. My cousin Terri, who along with her sister Kim, flew to South Dakota from Ohio to help my dad and me deal with things in Mom's last days. Needless to say, nothing would have gone as smoothly as it had if Terri and Kim hadn't been there. But I digress...

After I finished my last phone call, I left the main floor of the hospital and returned to Mom's room, which was on the second floor. Terri and Kim met me at the door to the room and told me that Mom had passed away. Terri also remarked that she thought that Mom was actually waiting to go until I was out of the room. She also said that the nurses had commented that whenever I would reenter the room before Mom died, her vital signs would get stronger, but they would start to decline again as soon as I left the room. As hard as it is, I'm inclined now to think that Terri was right...Mom was waiting until I was out of the room before she left us. And I suppose I should also take comfort in the fact and not feel guilt because by the time I actually left the room to call some friends of mine and let them know what was happening, Mom was effectively gone. Her body technically was still alive, but her spirit had already departed. And she left knowing that all of us loved her, and I guess that that's the most important thing.

The other thought that's crossed my mind several times in the past few days has been missing people. I'm missing people like Mom who are no longer alive, but I also find myself wanting to see people who are still very much alive, but whom I can't see because physical or emotional distance separates us. Physical distance is easier to circumvent than emotional distance, of course. But I do hope that someday I'll be able to see these people whom I long to see again. I guess all I can do about it in the meantime is pray about it and pray for them, and pray that if there are any ill feelings between us that they go away in time.

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've written in the blog; I haven't been as faithful about updating as often as I thought originally. Oh, well. No big deal.

Speaking of blogs, my friend Brian told me today that he's set up a couple of blogs for his trip to India, which will be coming up in about a month. He told me that he set up a personal blog for himself and then one for the entire group. Brian also said that he's amazed at how easy Blogger is to use and that it's free. I'm inclined to agree.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty busy for me, so that's part of the reason why I haven't updated this blog lately. You could also say that I've been kind of lazy, too. As much as I enjoy writing and telling stories, sometimes writing is one of the last things I want to do when I get home from doing it all day at the office. My blog shouldn't feel too, bad, though - I haven't been paying very much attention to my memoir, either. ;-)

Working at the "Brookings Register" isn't the only thing that's kept me busy over the past few weeks, of course. I've also been spending a lot of time with my dad (which is good), working out (walking, lifting weights), and spending time with friends. All of those things and people have helped keep my mind and hands busy, and I think that it's helped me move through the grieving process resulting from my mom's death a couple of weeks ago.

Something else that's really helped me out a lot, too, I believe, has been spending more time in meditation and prayer. I guess that I've done those things sporadically throughout my life, but I have to admit that I haven't put as much effort into those activities as I have in the past several days. I can't point to any specific outcomes of the time I've spent praying and meditating, but I can say that in a lot of ways, I feel more emotionally stable and peaceful than than I have in years. That in an of itself is a good enough reason to take five or 10 minutes each day, either early in the morning, late at night, or both, to just sit and talk to the Creator.

For whatever reason, though, I'm happy to say that I honestly feel more like an adult and stronger than I have in years. Part of it could be the influence of my prayers and the prayers that others have offered up on my behalf, and part of it could be choices that I've made recently to not worry so much and to be more confident. I think that, for perhaps the first time in my life, I'm starting to understand some important basics about life. I'm believing now more than ever that I really do have a purpose in this life after all, and that everything will unfold as it should. Everything happens for a reason. There's always a chance that I'll lapse back into my old anxieties about how much of what happens in this life is up to us and how much is preordained, but I can say now that I have a renewed sense that everything works itself out in the end.

Honoring our parents

We buried my mother this morning. I never imagined that I'd write such words during my young adulthood, but the chill of the snow and today's fall breezes has quickened my senses to such a reality.

As I sit here at my keyboard wrapping up the day's business, my thoughts keep returning to something that a dear friend of mine - an older gentleman who has been a mentor and big brother to me in the nearly eight years that I've known him - shared with me on Saturday. Before we prayed together, he shared his thoughts on how we can best honor our parents.

Speaking as a parent himself, he told me that he feels that the best way that we can honor our parents is by living and walking in harmony with the values and lessons that they have passed on to us. In so doing, we not only honor our parents; we also keep their memories alive.

In my case, then, honoring my mother will mean adhering to principles that she taught me over the years. Most of those teachings came to me through observation - by watching her actions as she went about the business of daily life.

Mom was a deeply-committed woman in many respects. She was married to my dad for 41 years, from 1964 until her passing this week. Though my parents' marriage surely faced many trials over that span of time, Mom stuck by Dad through thick and thin. Mom was no less committed to me, regardless of how many times we may have butted heads over the years. She supported me in the endeavors of my youth and young adulthood, and was a tireless supporter and advocate for me during my struggle with leukemia six years ago.

Her commitment didn't end when she left the confines of the homes that our family shared. She worked for a local rural electric cooperative for 37 years. Mom began working for the organization in 1966, and remained loyal to it until her retirement at the end of January of last year. She was also heavily involved with local bowling leagues and was a staunch supporter of South Dakota State University athletics for many years. As the Rev. Bob Jones said during her funeral service this morning, my mother loved people. Being around and serving others was the spark that seemed to ignite the flame of passion within her. And in that way, if no other, Mom provided examples of ways through which a person can live a good, rich and full life.

Though my mother no longer walks the earth in flesh and blood as I do, I take comfort in knowing that she lives on in spirit. Such a realization doesn't change the fact that I miss her and always will, but I am content knowing that she will live on in me and in others whose lives she touched.

Rest in peace

Barbara Ann (Moreland) Whitehead
Sept. 25, 1938 - Nov. 30, 2005

We love you, Mom. Always have and always will...

We all miss you, but we're happy to know that you're at peace now and aren't suffering. Your journey on this path has come to an end, and now you're beginning a new journey. May it be a good one, and know that there are people here on this side and where you are now who love you very much. Take care of yourself, and see you again someday...